negative feelings

The Body Image Monster Didn't Win Today


  I consider days when my body image monster doesn't win to be major victories.

I've battled body image issues my whole life, or more specifically once puberty hit and peer validation became a thing. Prior to that, I was just a kid of the 80s running around. Adolescence marked the beginning to the boxes we place ourselves and others into. It was when I became increasingly more aware and self-conscious of my physical form and it wasn't fun for me. The more I talk to people, I learn just how common this shared experience is.

Hell is a place on earth and it's called middle school.

I remember standing in the dressing room while shopping for bathing suits. Or shopping for something to wear to the final dance for my 8th grade graduation. I wailed. I pleaded. I sobbed. I didn't want to look. I didn't want to choose. Nothing felt right.I hated my reflection on those days. They were pure torture. It may be why I still have issues shopping for clothes. The dressings room bring up some PTSD, maybe, even though I'm no longer shopping for ill-fitting dresses or bathing suits.

Things got minimally better as I grew older. Grunge came into fashion and that meant big baggy clothes I could hide in. As fashion trends change, and since powerfully choosing to wear clothes I really love, I find myself sticking to old standbys from the GAP (not skinny jeans) or brands like Frank & Oak, my new favorite. I choose what feels good or what I like.

I've worked hard to get myself into the best shape possible, but the body image monster is always hanging out, like the proverbial raincloud above my head or a guest who just won't leave after the party is over. No matter what I eat (or don't eat) or how often I run or work out, I just don't have the body type where I will slide on a pair of slim fit pants and need a belt. Only once have I've known the feeling of having my sits bones actually hurt when I sat down--when I dropped down to 118 pounds in high school during the nadir of my eating disorder. It was unpleasant, the whole thing, and not something I wish to replicate.

I know I will have supreme inner peace and probably come close to nirvana when I accept my body fully for all it is and is not, but the body image monster is constantly goading me to suffer, instead. I haven't given him a name or a shape or other characteristics, he's just "there" as a feeling.

But he didn't win the other day. He's winning less and less each day, actually.

I had a day last week where I was laying on my bed, staring at my hand and I started sobbing out of nowhere. It may sound a little silly but the realization of how many years, days, minutes and seconds I've spent staring at my hand just knocked the wind out of me. I've been through so much and so many changes, and there's my hand--always there when I look for it. My body is so familiar to me, more reliable than any person, place or thing in my life; it's my oldest and best friend.


I try to remember that realization and this sentiment when I lose touch with my gratitude for my body that works so hard to keep me alive another day. I've lost so many dear friends and family members to their battles with their physical forms and I know I'm not alone in this. By appreciating our own bodies a bit more, perhaps it's like sending a prayer for the extra day or week our friends and family members would have liked to be here, imperfect body and all.

1) Avoid mirrors. I didn't own a mirror for years and I have definitely noticed a huge shift in my own struggle with body image the more mirrors I have around or when I search for my reflection in a window. Sometimes I spend minutes spinning around, trying to get a good angle, before leaving the house. Some days, there are no good angles and I've found the best days are when I don't go near a mirror before leaving the house. Perhaps it's denial but whoever said ignorance is bliss is a good friend of mine when it comes to what I look like some days.

2) Wear what fits you now. Sometimes I rejoice when I can fit into pants I wore three years ago. Some days I feel like I should have a scrolling banner attached to the length of my body and be lifted horizontally into the atmosphere. I know my body has undergone a massive biological and physiological transformation in the past two years. I know different companies make clothes in many different environments from many different fabrics according to specific dimensions or measurements. Despite the reality that each human body is incredibly different in so many ways, we all try to look the same and fit into pieces of fabric sewn together. Still, my BIM (body image monster) tells me I'm a failure. When he does this, I grab whatever feels most comfortable now, no matter the size, and give him the finger.

3) Eat food. During the year or so of my eating disorder, I followed some ridiculous logic. I starved myself most of the day and then consumed specific foods I deemed "safe" or "allowed", most of which were high in simple carbohydrates. Since I was often so weak from malnutrition, I wasn't exercising to burn off all that energy so all those simple carbs went right to my fat cells. I little silly but hey, it happened. Now, I know better. Despite some frustration with my aging body and metabolism, I know eating more food of many different kinds (mostly vegetables and fresh fruit), not limited amounts of the same things, is the solution to maintaining a healthy weight. And so I eat whole foods in healthy amounts and consider my job done.

4) Relax and relate. The body image monster is such a funny guy. He tries to tell me that people I see who are thinner or more fit (the skinny jeans wearers, namely) are happy and content in their bodies. Such a sassy devil, that one. He's funny and really wrong. When I find myself comparing myself or making assumptions about other people, I think of how many people have confessed their own body image struggles to me. I relax and remember not to be deceived by appearances. I relate to the internal conflict of self-acceptance many people face each day, no matter their appearance. I would say everyone, but I try to avoid generalizing with my assertions. But it has surprised me how many people struggle when others might think they would have no reason to at all.

I think it's also helpful to zoom out and consider our bodies as one aspect about us. We are more than our physical forms. We are our character, our courage, our talents, our habits (both good and not-so-good ones) our accomplishments and the way we show up for people and relationships we care about. We are unlimited potential and when we confine our worth to the shape we are in, it limits what we can provide others and give to ourselves.

I share this with my clients who make assumptions, either related to body image or anything else, and they find it really helpful perspective. It's inspired me to write another post about what we think we see and what we attach to it. That's coming up next week.

Do you have a body image monster? What have you observed about him/her/it over your life, as you've grown and changed?

What have you found to be effective in defeating and overcoming the negative self-talk of your body image monster?

Meditation on the Treadmill--wha?

Guest post by Victoria Ellis. She's a student at Lesley University and she's interning with me this semester and rockin' at it.  

I am one of those people who cringe when thinking about running on the treadmill.  The thought of staring straight ahead of me out the window looking onto the quad on the main campus of Lesley University proves itself to be difficult for me because I do not like to stay on the treadmill for longer than two minutes.  On the very first day of training, I hopped on the treadmill to begin my seven-minute warm up.  Just two minutes into the run I looked down at the clock and could not believe how tired and dry my mouth was from just two minutes on the treadmill.  I knew that moment that I needed to change my attitude about the treadmill before running on it could get any easier for me.

I usually do not have to get on the treadmill because I am from Southern California and can run outside year around.  But because I am an athlete in Cambridge now, I have to get on it quite frequently.  The feelings I used to have towards the treadmill were negative, which hindered my fitness tremendously.  I see girls able to run on the treadmill for hours, and I pant after just two minutes.  It is embarrassing sometimes.

We began training about six weeks ago for our spring soccer season and we have a gym workout (including the treadmill) three times a week.  My total time spent running  s p r i n t s  on the treadmill totals about an hour and a half per week, so as you can see I have become very close to the treadmill.

Instead of hating the treadmill and avoiding that part of the workout (because it is mostly unsupervised) I decided to take this spring soccer season as a chance to become more familiar with the treadmill and strategies to make running on it easier for me.  During the past six weeks I adapted to the treadmill and I would like to share my technique with you!

Meditating.  Instead of thinking about how I DON’T want to be on the treadmill, I began to become aware of my body and my thoughts.  I would find myself wandering from topic to topic, body part to body part, and before I would know it my warm up would be over!  Time flies when I focus my mind on other things while on the treadmill.  After about three weeks of struggling on the treadmill, I noticed a change in both my health and my attitude about running.  This proves the rather new concept of psychoneuroimmunology, where the body is affected by the mind and vice versa.  My thoughts improved as my physical fitness improved and vice versa.

Meditating connected my body with my mind, which allowed me to increase my time and speed while running on the treadmill.  I used to think that meditating needed to be done in a quiet room while sitting on a pillow cross-legged, but it can be done while exercising too!  I highly suggest for those who want to increase their capabilities on the treadmill to meditate and run on it for three weeks, like I did, and see what happens.  Now I am on week six and now the treadmill does not even faze me.  Changing my thoughts about the treadmill helped me stay on it for longer.